God's Own Roads

The tremble was unbearable. Something like a piece of rock hit my forehead. Waking up from the dream I felt descending from the sky. After a short midair cruise the vehicle landed with a thud. The sight of an extraterrestrial saucer zipping towards me was scary. I jammed the brake and the car screeched to a halt. It was well past midnight. The extraterrestrial element was just a tourist bus with multicolor lights flashing all over it and the rock that hit my forehead was the detached head of the audio system. Where is Lloyd? It took couple of moments for me to get my coherence back and to decipher the situation. I was driving down from Trivandrum to Angamaly via M C Road along with my colleague Lloyd George. He got down at Muvattupuzha sometime back. The fatigue and loneliness metamorphosed into a momentary nap on the wheel. The car hit a triple ducker bump while doing 100 kmph and flew. That’s all what happened. I smiled and thought Shanti missed another vivid moment on the road.

The National Highways of Kerala are very similar to langotis (konakam. I really do not know the parallel in English so forgive me); as wide, as twisty and as worn out. May be they are a little wider, but definitely twister and more worn out. Its mighty long time since Malayali men stopped using this piece of cloth. Don’t get me wrong. They do not roam around without one. What I mean is that they too adapted to the modern versions of it though it did not suit their sultry climate. But Keralites could not shrug of the reminiscence of those comfortable days. Hence they kept their highways similar to that. If you drive to work everyday, it may be a great idea to get your Jathakam (janampatri) thoroughly checked by an astrologer and ensure that your death is not anywhere near. You may do the same before crossing the road on the Aluva – Ernakulum route. You never know whether you will reach the other side or get hit by those red colored scuds. High density of population means people all over the road. Instead of getting out of the road they twist their body parts to give you way and many times I drove through the tiny space that they created by twisting their hips or curling their stomach. The only day you can drive in Kerala without a suicide bomber’s attitude is on a hartal day.

It’s quite a fun to be on Kerala roads on a hartal, if you dare to. People proclaims their objective of travel by pasting banners like ‘going for wedding’, ‘hospital case’, ‘pregnant lady inside’, ‘Marriage; bride inside’ etc to avoid any trouble from hartal supporters. Majority of these pregnant ladies, brides and grooms are not genuine but office goers in disguise. Getting a heart attack in Kerala is a vicious situation. On a hartal day you will reach the hospital fast but there won’t be doctors. On a non hartal day the doctors will be there but you will not reach in time.

While driving from Trivandrum to my village in Thrissur, it’s a perennial dilemma which road to hit and which one to miss. One is the narrow, straight NH 47 that goes via Aleppy and the other one is the narrow, twisty M C Road which winds through the lush green hilly terrains of eastern districts of Kerala. For a spirited driver the M C road could have been good but the surface is bad in many places. Still I like this route (as much as Shanti hates it) because you could assume that you are an F1 driver and you are at the wheel of a Ferrari.

On MC Road the first town you will cross is Kottarakkara. The place is famous for two personalities. Kottarakkara Lord Ganapathy; the one who removes obstacles and the politician Balakrishna Pillai; the one who creates obstacles. Then comes Adoor; the birthplace of many Malayalam movie personalities. Adoor is like an award movie. Disconnected and dark. One needs to use imagination and intelligence to figure out one’s way. Thiruvalla is another significant town on the way. The entire population of this place is converted to a new religion called ‘Nursing’ and enroute on an exodus to their promissory lands; America and Gulf. It houses more NRI banks than grocery stores. In Thiruvalla highly educated person means somebody with a B.Sc. Nursing. Thiruvalla’s big brother Kottayam is the home of mushy Malayalam literature. The city smells smoked rubber, VSOP Brandy, and beef ulathiyathu. My friends from Kottayam say the only man who does not booze in Kottayam after 6.00 pm is the statue of Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi. I wish to extend that list by including Lord Siva of Thirunakkara temple, and the saints of innumerable churches in Kottayam.

Driving through NH 47 you cross two beautiful places. Aleppy and Kochi. Aleppey, the Venice of the east, has beautiful backwaters and also breeds the dreadful Chickungunya. Kochi is like a beautiful, glamorous girl. The only issue is that the place stinks. You know the condition when a beautiful girl has unbearable body odor. You can’t go near but can’t ignore her too. The red buses in Kochi are driven by maniacs and in their previous incarnation they were part of the Nair army (Chaver Pada) that tried to kill King Samoothiri in the annual mega event Mamankam. Their killing instinct is still intact. From Kochi to Aluva it’s recommended to drive with a kamikaze attitude. Aluva is charming. The Periyar river is more charming. From Aluva to Angamaly it’s a fast drive but Angamaly to Thrissur it’s a torturing 20 kmph chugging.

Don’t go numb if you see a gigantic tusker crossing the road while you are in Thrissur city. It’s a common sight and these tuskers often command a bigger fan following in Thrissur than Mohanlal. Men in Thrissur get a heavy dose of testosterone when they see tusker with 18/18 features. The circular design of the city around the Vadakkumnathan temple always fascinates me. For me, that design exemplifies a great truth. Life revolves around the cosmic intelligence and essentially every journey will take you where you have started.

My friends always suggest me to take the train for travelling in Kerala but I am so much addicted to roads. Addicts, whatever may the addiction be, have deaf ears. But you know addicts are the best advisors because they know the sufferings and helplessness. Hence folks my advice is to avoid roads in Kerala. There is nothing Godly about it.