Buffalo Puranam

A Maharashtrian friend of mine once told me that he was sure that Yamraj (Kaalan; the demigod of death) cannot be a Mallu though he has a big moustache and tummy. It’s a simple logic according to my friend. If Yamraj was a Mallu by this time he would have butchered his buffalo and made some beef fry. I knew that the vegetarian fanatic was taunting me for Malayali’s infamous lust for beef. During his short visit to Kerala he claims to have found that Keralites have beef fry for break fast, beef ulathiyathu for lunch and beef curry for dinner. My arguments sighting myself as a beef antagonistic did not bear much fruit. However I found his logic amusing.

Once upon a time this big fat black babe (Buffalo I mean) was just the part of Christian fantasy in Kerala. But after hearing too many stories about their ecstatic experience with her flesh the Hindu’s started devouring it. Often converts are more fanatic than the original. This Hindu invasion of beef shops created a food scarcity of sort in Pala and Kanjirappally. They are hoping that Kerala Government may soon start a Buffalo Corporation along with The Beverages Corporation (the Government body that controls liquor distribution in Kerala) and regulate the supply through that. That would be the day we are waiting for. Bottle and beef from a single window!!

Malayali men’s hostile attitude towards bone or anything that is looking boney is quite evident. From buffalo to Shakeela we like it plump and boneless. The four Purusharthas (the four purposes of life as per Indian scriptures namely Dharma, Artha, Kama and Moksha) are not applicable to Mallu men. Our scriptures have only three; beef, brandy and babes. Buffalo is a catalyst of social transformation too. It beefed up the communal harmony in Kerala. The critical gulf between certain strata of Hindus and other religions has been the buffalo. Inter caste and inter religion marriages tumbled on buffalo as one partner would want to eat beef and the other one don’t want because it’s a taboo. That chasm is closed now with thick buffalo fat.

Consumption of everything without producing it is one of several features of Kerala. Buffalos can’t be an exception. Buffalos are almost disappeared from Kerala long back. Now they are supplied by our good neighbor Tamil Nadu. Hence the modern Malayali kids do not know what a buffalo look like and often think that buffalos are reared in cold storages because that’s where papa brings beef from.

You should have a little insight about the road behavior of buffalos while driving in India because in India we often coexist on the road. Ignorance of that means meeting them eye to eye and some bad dents on your car. Buffalo is the epitome of determination. Once a buffalo decides to cross the road, come what may, it will. In Kerala you do not have to worry about buffalo menace on the road but the people tend to behave like one after a lunch with beef fry. Hence if somebody decides to cross the road, let him. He will anyway.

My animosity with this animal goes back to my childhood. Brought up in an agrarian family, we had some ‘Buffs’ in our house. Whenever there were not enough farm workers my mother used to assign a lot of buffalo grooming works to me. I hated it. Secondly, when I was in 10th standard one Mammootty fan told me that my favorite star Mohanlal’s body looks like a buffalo. I hated this animal even more. With that bitter vengeance I tried eating beef couple of times but I was so heavily conditioned against this animal that I puked. For that forever I had to face that spiteful look from my friends and forever, I become an outcaste in Malludom.